the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
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Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Boom, boom, ching!
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.