Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
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Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger