you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Going into Monday like
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
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