Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
notice
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are