This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
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she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Left at a local drug store…
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.