Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
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ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish