I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.