Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
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Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
If I ignore life will it go away?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.