Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.