I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
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Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
[loses house key, starts a new life]
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away