Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
#Caturday
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”