2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
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I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
#CoronaOutbreak
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
the last thing a carrot sees