I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)