Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
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Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…