If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
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guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I’M CRYINGGG
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.