Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
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The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
These work great until they don’t.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.