My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
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Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Cinematography is my passion
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?