Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
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When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My Guy
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.