if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
He just like my cat fr
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd