Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
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[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity