[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first