All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
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[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Customer is always right
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.