I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
me and the Superbowl rn
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.