Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
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[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.