“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!