If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
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Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
tis the season
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao