Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
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