Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
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remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
DOOO EEEET
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf