Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
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[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.