The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Coffee is ready.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I saw nothing
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.