Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
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I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My hips? Compulsive liars.