[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
🙁
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…