Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
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*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
sleeping beauty
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.