GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
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Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
pictures of spider-man
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I think my mom just blocked me
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend