Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Autocarrot sucks!
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.