the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
live, laugh, laundry.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane