Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
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If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
In space, no one can hear…
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog