honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
You Might Also Like
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The Joker was right
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.