A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”