I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
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One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Autocorrect is my menesis
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.