Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
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My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The Punning Dead.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place