I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
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I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
#polloftheday
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty