horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
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Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Dear Lord..
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
pls suprot
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.