Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
a public service announcement
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Oops I deleted….
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular