ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
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whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
The biggest mystery of our time
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?