My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
You Might Also Like
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces