me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
i meant to share this earlier
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.