I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
That’s easy for you to say
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table