When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
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I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
This is me
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly