normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
You Might Also Like
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it